Thoughts of a Baka Neko
by CrescentStrata
Summary: Just a little trip into the mind of Kyo-kun.


Disclaimer: I own nothing, no matter how much I want Kyo-kun. Sad, isn't it?

Thoughts of a Baka Neko 

Well, the impossible has happened. I never thought anything like this could ever happen. **Ever**. But then, Tohru's the type of person who could create miracles on a daily basis like it was no big deal. And if somebody said it was amazing, she'd just smile and say it was nothing, no big deal. 

Anyway, back to my point. My point is, she actually cares about me. Well, okay, so she cares about everybody and everything on the entire planet. Still, she's the only one who's actually tried to understand me, besides maybe Kagura, but Kagura's a given, so she doesn't count. Look at me, I'm getting off-track again. But then I usually do tend to ramble when I'm talking about things related to Tohru. Shigure thinks it's cute. -_- 

I don't really understand why, I guess it must be a sort of love. Not that I'd know much about love anyway. I'm so used to pushing people away and trying to build up a sort of defensive wall I don't understand anything else. Even friendship is a stretch to me. I can become friends with someone when I get to know them, but I don't really trust them. Until Tohru showed up anyway. 

Once I got used to her being around, I actually felt I could trust her. I'll admit, I didn't think it was a good idea for her to be living with us, even though she knows the secret, (which Yuki blames me for. Stupid rat.) but saying so now would be mean-spirited, she's done a lot for us. Everything's better when she's around. It's like she radiates peace or something, and that peace spreads over everything else and makes everything, well, peaceful. -_- Okay, so that was overkill on the peace thing, shut up. 

I guess I first realized how much I cared when she left and went back to her grandfather's house. I didn't exactly understand why I missed her so much then, because, as I said, I have little experience with love. But I did know I had to see her again and that I missed her a lot. So, I put up with that stupid rat, Yuki, and went with him to find her. I was so happy to see her again, heh, she's so strange sometimes. She left, even though she didn't want to. Just because she thought she was a burden to us when it was really quite the opposite. This must be that self-sacrificing thing Shigure was yapping about earlier when I talked to him. I wouldn't know, he talks on and on and after awhile I tend to zone him out. Especially when he starts being poetic. Sure, you may think it's "romantic" or whatever, but believe me, when you have to live with him, it's just annoying. Still, I probably shouldn't say that, he actually listens to me when I ramble on like this and is one of the few who is halfway decent to me most of the time. 

Back to Tohru. I guess I've become dependent on her being there. Like that one day she went back to the main house, man, I spent an hour searching Shigure's house and the area around it for her. Maybe I should have been paying attention when she told us that morning, but hey, I was half asleep. 

I can't believe I almost left her by herself on New Years'. I mean, man, I almost went to some party at the main house. A party where I'd just have to put up with the abuse that goes with being cursed by the cat and hate it, and be tackled by Kagura ("Kyo-kun I missed you!" she'd squeal, even though she just saw me not too long ago) a few million times before I took five steps into the house, instead of staying with Tohru. -_- I really am a baka neko sometimes. 

And what if I hadn't run back? She would have been there by herself, crying, and I couldn't live with that. She doesn't have anyone else, her mother was killed in that car wreck after all, and Hanajima offered to stay, but Tohru only told her she would be fine. But she wasn't fine, was she? No, she was just going to suffer alone. I know how that is, and I'll be damned if I **ever** let that happen to her. She doesn't deserve that. Yes, I know Yuki also decided to go back, so if I hadn't she wouldn't really be alone, but you're ruining the mood, so shut up. -_- 

But what does Tohru deserve, then? What am I really aiming for? I realize now that I do love her, but so what? She deserves so much more than a cat like me. And it's not like I could tell her this anyway, because she'd smile and say, "But Kyo-kun, you're a great person, you shouldn't put yourself down." I wonder what she really thinks of me. She's really determined to keep me focused on positive things about me, but doesn't she know there isn't any? 

Tohru told me one time she had always loved the cat from the zodiac, that she'd always cry when she heard how he'd been tricked by the rat and left out of the zodiac. That had really thrown me off guard. I didn't understand why she would say that. Everybody else said the cat was foolish for letting himself be tricked like that. But this girl, she said she felt sorry for him and that it...wasn't his fault? Now that is truly impossible. Then again, Tohru herself seems impossible sometimes....Impossible that a person could care so much and be so selfless. 

But what's more impossible is that she cares about me, of all people. Why would she care about me? All I've ever done, really, is be a complete jerk to her. Sure, I apologize, but after I do I end up doing something stupid again. -_- How many times is she willing to forgive me? I'm beginning to realize it doesn't matter to her. Even if I didn't apologize, I think, she would forgive me, on the excuse, "But you're a good person deep down, Kyo-kun." I swear, Tohru would forgive a murderer, if he apologized. Well, maybe that's a little overdramatic, (Great, I've become Shigure, Drama King) but it makes my point. Maybe I'm just too used to everybody yelling at me being stupid because I'm the cat of the zodiac, but I just don't understand why she'd waste her time worrying over me, a baka neko that doesn't matter…

Shigure said it was just the way she is and that she couldn't help it, when I asked him about it earlier. He may be a nut sometimes, but he does take me seriously (though not without teasing me first. -_-) when I ask about stuff like that and gives me a serious answer. I know that's true, but I can't help but think (hope, wish, pray) it's because she loves me. Now hang on, baka neko, don't get ahead of yourself. So what if she does? Like I'm good enough for her. I know she'd say so, but I can't believe it. 

And now I'm going in circles about the whole thing. I really wish I could just understand all of this. I've never felt this way before (Yea, it's a total cliché. Leave me alone. -_-) and I don't understand it, and I hate not understanding. It frustrates me more to think I never will. It's almost impossible to understand love in the first place, but for someone like me, well…

But it's not like I'm frustrated at Tohru or anything, even though it's her fault I feel like this. I mean, if anything, she confuses me. I'm not exactly a loved person. In any case, if anybody understands me more than Kazuma-sensei, it'd be Tohru. She's the only one who can see through the act and break through the defenses. She knows despite my big mouth (Yes, I'll admit it, I have a big mouth.) and the way I always act, that I do care. Everybody else, even the rare person who'll befriend me, will get tired of it and give up, but Tohru, she refuses to. What would I do without her? If I didn't have Tohru here with me, I might just go insane. 

Hah, that reminds me. Shigure asked me one time what I would do if a girl told me she loved me. And I told him I'd probably ask her if she was sane. And I would ask Tohru if she was sane, if she wasn't Tohru. Maybe I've come to accept that she cares about me, even though I'm not used to it yet. Still though, sometimes I wonder if Tohru is sane, after all (at the risk of sounding repetitive and annoying) she does care about the worthless cat. Perhaps I sound like I'm drowning in self-pity. 

What does it matter? I realized something the other day. As much as Tohru cares for me, she cares about Yuki even more. That rat's always in my way… First with the Zodiac, now with Tohru. She tries not to show it, to play favorites, and most of the time, you couldn't tell. But it's become very apparent to me exactly how much she cares about Yuki. 

…

A hell of a lot. (What? You expected some deep, complicated answer that makes no sense? Go find Shigure for that.)

I don't know why she'd care about him so much, but then again, I don't even understand why she tolerates me and my stupidness. -_- Maybe I just can't see that he's a good person because we're always against each other. We've never been even halfway decent to each other, not once. It's always been fights, my threats of "I'm gonna kick your ass and join the Sohmas!"…And then me being slammed into the ground, or punched in the face. -_- And Tohru never chooses sides when we fight, she just tells us we should stop. But, if Yuki runs off afterwards, she'll go after him after making sure I'm alright. Well, that's not fair, she's come after me plenty of times when I was sulking on the roof. Even brought some food up that one time after Kagura appeared out of nowhere.

Maybe there's another reason I'm determined to beat Yuki. It's always been because I want to prove I'm good enough to join the Sohmas, and the Zodiac, but what if I'm trying to impress Tohru too?

…

Then I'd be an idiot. -_- She doesn't care about things like that, she cares about the nature of a person and how they truly are. In any case, maybe I'm just even more jealous of Yuki now. I'm mean, not only did his sign, the rat, trick the cat out of a place in the Zodiac long ago, but he also has Tohru's love. You're probably calling me an idiot now, I mean, why should I care if she loves him? After all, I've just been saying she deserves better than me, and I guess Yuki would be that (like I'd ever admit that to him though), so why? Meh, well I don't know why, it's hard to explain. -_-

So maybe I should just stop worrying about it and let Tohru love who she wants. After all, I want her to be happy, don't I? Of course I do! Besides, there's always Kagura for me, even if she is a little psychotic (Yea, just a "little"). Kagura really does care about me though, despite what she acts like sometimes, so…

Besides, Kagura loves me so much it's insane. I really don't understand her, and I probably never will. -_- But, I shouldn't break her heart just to pine over Tohru, who I can't have. Despite what _I_ act like, I do care about Kagura a lot, and I don't want to hurt her just because I'm too obsessed with Tohru. But I still have a problem. I can't forget Tohru just like that…So I'm just kind of stuck I guess, between Kagura and Tohru.

Great, now I'm just even more confused than before. What am I supposed to do now? I'd ask Shigure (he is pretty good for advice on dealing with people), but I'm not so sure I want to. He'll give me an answer, then probably wait until Tohru or Kagura walk in and be all, "So Kyo-kun, you sure have been asking lots of questions about Tohru-san lately!" And then Kagura will accuse me of cheating on her (even though I never agreed to be with her in the first place) and probably pound me into the ground. And if Kagura's not there and it's Tohru instead, she'll end up asking me why, and I'll just get frustrated and yell at her and end up being a jerk. -_- 

Of course, it's Tohru, and she'd forgive me, but I'd feel even worse. I mean, every time I end up letting my temper take control and end up yelling at her, it does hurt her feelings. Even though she knows I don't really mean it, I can see it in her eyes…So while she feels better after apologizing ("I had bad timing, Kyo-kun, I knew you were upset. I'm sorry.") and telling me it's okay, when _I_ should be the one apologizing, I just feel even worse. One day I'm just going to end up telling her, "Why the hell are you apologizing to me? I'm the one who was being a stupid idiot."

But you know, she'll just smile and say she understands my temper gets out of control or something, and that she knows I didn't mean it. Tohru's too forgiving. Any sane person would have smacked me and said they never wanted to talk to me again a long time ago. But, no, not Tohru. And the one time she did smack me, she didn't even do it on purpose. -_- She thought someone was sneaking up on her. So then I told her if I ever made her mad, she could smack me like she just did, and she looked at me like I was a nut. It was that 'why would I want to do that' look of hers. I see that look a lot when I keep telling her she shouldn't forgive me so often.

I don't know, maybe it's because of her 'I want to please everyone' attitude. I've noticed she goes out of her way to be extremely agreeable to everyone, at the cost of herself; like taking on extra housework and things like that. She knows the story of the cat and the Zodiac, and I'm pretty sure Shigure's told her about how everyone else treats me, (he has a big mouth too, you know, it's not just me.) plus I've told her some myself (like that whole thing about Kazuma-sensei). So maybe she thinks she'll make up for everybody else mistreating me by being extra nice or something. I have to admit it wouldn't surprise me. It'd be just like her to think like that. And she did say she'd always felt sorry for the cat of the Zodiac. But make no mistake, it's not just because she pities me. Tohru is different, when she worries over you, you know it's because she cares. Her feelings are true.

Maybe that's why I love her, I know she truly cares about me. I mean, it's not like that whole thing with my mother…My mother who would keep me hidden away from the world, because she was afraid of this curse of the cat I was born with. She worried over me, but that was for (dare I say it) selfish reasons…Then she died and my father blamed me for it. Who knows why. If Kazuma-sensei hadn't adopted me and gotten me out of there, I don't know what I would have done. And sure, at first it was only because he thought it might help with his guilt about his grandfather (he had mistreated his own grandfather, who had the curse of the cat before me), but he did come to truly love me like his own son.

But wait, you baka neko…if you love Tohru because you know she truly cares for you, then you should love Kagura just as much if not more! Kagura…She loves me just as much as it's possible for someone to love something or someone. But what I find amazing about that is that Kagura knows the dark side of me, my other form, and she stills loves me more than anything in the world. Even after that day she'd accidentally pulled off my bracelet and saw my true form, it hadn't made her love me any less. And though Tohru would probably be just as understanding ad Kagura, Tohru does love Yuki. Kagura however, loves _me_. The "stupid, worthless baka neko, who lost-yet-another-fight-to-Yuki, Kyo-kun."


End file.
